I look at myself in the mirror and think "I know myself better than I ever have before.". Why? Because I have been turned to a paste, slathered on the floor and had every conceivable nasty thing thrown on top of me. Yet I am still breathing and loving three beautiful children. I am strong. But now I wonder if I haven't become over confident in my ability to make it alone. It's like those trees they tell you about. If they grow in a forest and you cut the forest down, the newly independent tree can easily be wiped out by wind or rain, or both...
The reason I say this is because of a conversation I just had with hubby. I am so determined to NOT need him, to make him experience the consequences of what he's done, that sometimes I don't recognize myself any longer. I did not think I was a mean-spirited person. Sure there have been times in my life but not a normal occurrence at all. Yet today I'm talking to him, explaining to him where I'm at in the relationship. That part is fine. Then he speaks and he cries and he's asking if I've made my decision and suddenly there is this nasty, mean slimy beast spewing poison from my mouth. It doesn't feel like me, it's like an alien... The words are harsh but true, most of them I'm okay with. What I don't understand is the way I say them. They are so matter of fact and lifeless, there is no feeling, no stirring of empathy or sympathy. They just simply are. I told my hubby tonight that right now, as I stand I have no interest in having a romantic relationship with him. Later in the conversation these exact words came out... "Knowing me. Really knowing me, did you really think this would end up any other way.". Now I'm out of the conversation, out of the floaty weird "I don't need anybody" phase from said conversation. And I feel like a heartless bitch that just slid a knife into her lovers heart and watched, emotionless, as the light went out of his eyes. I know that conversation crushed him, yet I have no interest in listening to him bemoan the fact that he still, over a year since Dday, could lose his family over this. The idea of sitting and listening for one more moment about how he "knows he wants to be with me" is revolting. It makes me feel like a monster. What happened to me? This is not the Megan I thought I knew. I have been possessed by an alien of bitterness.
Another sad truth I realized about myself...I am a coward. I can't commit myself to my husband and I can't release myself from him because I am terrified of both realities and so I sit here, dragging both of us through this simply because I cannot make a decision. I didn't think I was a coward either.... Guess I was wrong all those times I was looking in the mirror.
How does anyone ever make that decision? Stay or go? I don't like either of them. Is there a door #3?