Tuesday, August 20, 2013
A brief moment of clarity...too bad it will be murky again by morning
This is nothing new but one of my most painful triggers and losses is that of my fourth child. I grieve that baby daily, hundreds of moments throughout each day. Today it hit me differently and, though I didn't think it was possible, my sadness has deepened. Today my sweet toddler and I snuggled on the couch while he happily poked at my tablet. Somehow he found the pictures from our family blog, he was enamored. Now on my tablet the pictures have very little rhyme or reason so suddenly we happened upon his newborn pictures. He was fascinated and as we scrolled through and I explained to him that the tiny baby was indeed him I witnessed again the love his older siblings had for him. How tender and loving they were, how thoughtful they are now, what exceptional siblings they are. I ache for what THEY have lost. What my youngest has lost. What is missing from my family... Instead of another sweet, innocent, beautiful little soul we have an addiction. It is days like this that I look at the implant in my arm and I am quite comfortable with the idea of cutting it out, getting pregnant, divorcing my husband and starting new as a single mother of four, with no intention of ever changing that status again. Why should my life plans and my children's experiences be restricted and reformed by my husband's inability to be who he claimed to be. I hate that my life is shaped by this and I have to wonder why I sit here and allow his issues to continue to shape my life. It seems to me that perhaps divorcing and going our own ways may allow me to make of my life what I want it to be, as opposed to what his addiction forces it to be. How is it that I lay in the grave that HE dug?