Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Oh What I Wouldn't Give
I want to be normal. I understand there really isn't a "normal". What I mean is that I want desperately to have the life I always planned, the one where you worry about your kids, money, friends, your job... The one where you fight with your husband but you know that you can depend on them, know you are working towards the same end and that you live life by the same code. There is understanding, there is companionship, there is love and trust. I long to have my life be what I thought it was. Lately I have been avoiding. I want to avoid my life. I am in the process of figuring out my meds and in the process of getting birth control, the kind that lasts for years and the doctor had to remove. I thought I was doing okay but then I put it together. My insomnia is off the charts, 4-5 hours of restless sleep, and I'm cramping enough to feel nauseous if I move. Guess I'm not handling it. The honest truth is I don't know what the "right direction" is for my life anymore. It's like an out of body experience. I'm not ready to woman up and deal with all these emotions just yet. I'm still on break.